For less experienced readers, I would start small. You want to pace yourself. Well if you have to go to - whatever event - get drunk before and get the party started. Example: Well if you have to go to your cousin's 4th grade performance of Cats get drunk before and heckle some of the other kids. Yell things like "Hey dip-shit, you forgot your lines again" and "Hey retard, too bad the abortion didn't take." (too mean?) etc
Thats just a basic scenario but today I would like to devote some time to an especially awkward situation that can get even the most seasoned veteran into trouble:
Shitting in Public
We've all been there. You have a stage fiver sneak up on you in the middle of your jazz tap class and you've got to find a bathroom fast. Sometimes, you get lucky and you can destroy that bathroom before anyone can make it into the stall next to you. More likely however, is a situation where you really have to unleash in a crowded public restroom. This beast is coming whether you like it or not and he's out to embarrass you in front of 7 strangers. So what can you do? Hop on the train and let me drop some knowledge on your black ass.
There are two situations we need to address here
1) You vs. 1 person in next stall
This is my personal favorite. You have an incredible opportunity here to make some big time plays so come into it with a game plan. When you're one on one with another dump enthusiast its important to be subtle. Hopefully, this person is being very quiet so let the dump take the lead and after every awkward noise, whisper things like "This is a nightmare/disaster", "Oh my god, not again. NOT AGAIN!" "oh shit, oh fuck, oh shit". Make sure they know this isn't the first time you've experienced an emergency of this magnitude. Your comments need to be just loud enough for this other individual to hear but soft enough that he/she will think there's an outside chance that you dont think he can hear you talking to yourself. Another invaluable tool is gasping for air. Create the illusion that banishing this demon from your body is really sucking the energy right out of you. You're out of breath like you're the fat girl who just decided to make a "commitment to fitness" and decided to run 3 miles but only made it around the block. It's important here to not take things too far or they will start to figure out you're fucking around.... or call the EMTs. Either way you lose.
2) Crowded Bathroom
Alright, this is you against the world and it's time to step up. Enter the bathroom in a panicked speed walk. If you have to wait, make sure everyone knows exactly what you came here to do. Again, the heavy breathing works wonders here. Make sure to squirm around as much as possible. Keep your feet chopping like a running back in the NFL. When you finally take your throne, make sure to slam the door. This screams desperation.
Now the real fun begins. Feel free to use your arsenal of one liners from situation one but make them louder so we're sure everyone knows exactly what kind of pain you're in. Slapping the side of the stall and letting out a big "UGH" is a move that puts a smile on the face of the most seasoned pros. Feet stomping is crucial. Don't be too over the top but you're fighting for the life of your O-ring here and you need to dig deep and use all the strength you have. Fart really loud and then apologize to the room even though you cant see them. Hey, you're polite. Any combination of the words "I" "shit" "my""pants" "again" and "Oh no!" are solid gold. Improvise. Come up with your own routines and you'll never be bored or embarrassed about taking a shit in public again.
As a finishing touch, be sure to exit the stall pretending to be completely mortified about what just transpired. Walk to the sink and wash your hands while looking around as much as possible to gauge people's reactions then leave quickly.
There you have it Pain Train passenger(s), your survival guide to making another common awkward situation hilarious.
