I did a podcast a couple of weeks ago with my friends Tom, Hayden and Marign but most of it wasnt funny so I cut Tom and Marign out and am using that audio for a secret project that I'm working on. ETA on the aforementioned project? Probably never but its a funny idea so get excited for that anyway. EDIT: I have started working on that so who knows, maybe Ill stick with it.
Podcast URL: http://www.mediafire.com/?myc5nlmcmmm
I recently did a variety of cool shit. These may or may not include: Got a crappy new job, banged a variety of hot girls, started a feud with Usher, punched a baby, took a dump in a public restroom, went to med school, went to an Oakland A's game and obtained a gun... that I have since misplaced.
My crappy new job is at Cosco being a cashier (obviously bragable) which is definitely leading to a new segment called "stupid shit that happened at Cosco this week" more on that later.
I actually did start a feud with Usher although he most likely does not know this. I've written a letter to him to send to his agent expressing a variety of concerns as well as constructive criticism. The letter is as follows:
Dear Usher's Agent,
I would appreciate it if you could relay the following message to your client. Thank you.
"I find your dancing and fashion choices to be slightly feminine and frankly, I don't really care for your music. You give me a vibe that you probably own some kind of man purse. Not because you're one of the gays but because you are trying just a little too hard to have that european style. Also, if I were your parents I wouldn't have named you Usher. I think its a sub-par name."
:(
Thank you for your time,
Ryan
Checkmate Usher.
I think this has potential to reach the levels of media attention/violence that the Ryan v. 98 degrees feud reached back in '96. Stay tuned.
Stupid Shit that Happens at Cosco
I had a customer today who looked a whole lot like Mickey Rourke. As unfortunate as this was for this person, there's a bigger issue. It was a woman. Seriously. Its kind of like she rolled snake eyes with the die that determine your looks and then God kicked her in the face with ugliness. Side note: I rolled an 11.
Someone got really mad at me because their food stamps only covered $250 of their $265 transaction. Like its my fault you're poor. Don't take out your poor aggression on me.
When my scanner won't read an item, customers tend to make the "joke" "Oh hey, it must be free!" and laugh hysterically at themselves. Like 4-5 times a day a least. Don't ever do this. Seriously, its so fucking annoying.
When I ask you "How are you doing today?" I dont really care or really want you to answer all that bad. The worst though is when someone says something like "oh God, AWFUL". What do I say to that? 1. I dont care why you are awful because right now all I can think about is using my 15 minute "smoke" break to go sit in my car and fill it with farts. 2. Are you coming into Cosco looking for emotional support? Just say OK and move on.
Side note: when I ask this to someone who is in a wheel chair or one of those handicapped/fat person motorized carts occasionally I get a "oh Im in a lot of pain". You know what people who are actually in a lot of pain do? They refrain from telling random strangers in Cosco about their pain situation. Again, what do you say to that? Sucks to be you? You can't say "Oh, Im sorry" because then they try to talk to you more about it. Why should I feel sorry for you when you feel so sorry for yourself? How much attention and pity do you need?
I hate little kids. I have always had very little patients when it comes to small, loud and energetic children but this has taken me to a whole new level of "Im so sick of this bullshit" If you have a kid, get that little fucker under control or bad things might happen to him/her. Im not making any threats here but seriously I'm going to kick one of these bastards. Thats a promise. One kid was messing around with the card reader and cancelled a 25 item transaction that (since im horrible at my job) took me at least 10 minutes to scan. I have no idea how this kid did it but I wanted to flip the cart over (because the kid was sitting IN THE CART. No, dont worry, you're like 6 years old and kind of fat already. You dont need the exercise and its not like I have to put all those items in that cart.) Then the Mom who has no control of her child starts yelling at the kid. You can't let him do whatever the fuck he wants then get mad when he fucks up. Thats on you bitch. Get out of my store. Yes, MY store.
I have developed some serious biases toward people who can't speak english or cant speak it well. Seriously, its such a pain in the ass when you need to explain that someone's credit card is declined when they keep saying "mustard" when trying to communicate to me that their card, in plain view, is a master card (I would like to again emphasize the point that I can see this card that is 18 inches from my face). I know that its a master card and I dont know what mustard (which I told him was on aisle 26 at least 4 times by the way) has anything to do with this.
Fellow Blogger and all around bad ass Mark Titus www.clubtrillion.com check it out
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